Fiction by julesy

  • 2
The cracks of thunder and shards of lightening lit the night sky.  Lilian's body stood to attention, her breath, slow and deliberate.  Her vision clear.  Her concience under siege.  She skulked under the darkness of the tree, the rain catching her face.  Still breathing, staring.  The heavens opened but nobody would pass thorugh the pearly gates this night.  Better the rain drown those concerned in these debauched events.  Lilian was not alone. There were three people in the empty, wet street.  None would live out the night. by julesy
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Julesy joined fictionthis on Sunday 24th of August 2008. This talented author is an active member of the site, has submitted 2 fiction(s) thus far and voted for 21. Show some love and leave your comments and feedback below their fictions.

It's kind of tantalizing, I think. May I suggest that you flip the paragraph, maybe begin with "Lilian was not alone" and the three people in an empty wet street who wouldn't live out the night -- then go from there.
It's kind of tantalizing, I think. May I suggest that you flip the paragraph, maybe begin with "Lilian was not alone" and the three people in an empty wet street who wouldn't live out the night -- then go from there. The detailed description of Lilian drags a little as long as we don't know why we should care how she's standing... Just a thought -- I think you've got good start here.

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